Building community in youth groups

Building Community in Youth Groups, an appendix to Games for UU kids and adults
Compiled by Dan Harper, v. 0.5
Copyright (c) 2015-2021 Dan Harper

You can use games and other activities to build a sense of community in youth groups (and other groups). Here’s one model for doing this, based on the book Building Community in Youth Groups by Denny Rydberg.

I have substantially revised Rydberg’s model. I have also substantially revised the model as it has been implemented in Unitarian Universalist (UU) youth programs. Both Rydberg’s original model, and the model as implemented in UU youth programs, took insufficient notice of trauma, marginalization, and consent. Please read “Warnings before you begin” before using this model.

Warnings before you begin

The most important point — Don’t try to get past Stage Three: Affirming unless you have lots of guardrails in place.

1. This is not a linear model

This is not a linear model, because you’ll be constantly going back and forth between stages. Every time you bring a new person into the group, whether a youth or an adult, you will have to start again from Stage One: Building Bonds, and work your way up through the other stages from there.

Once you make it to Stage Three: Affirming, you can usually (not always) get back to stage three again in short time. But you still have to go through several of the activities for the earlier stage of building community. For example, when a new person joins the group, you should start by playing a name games or two and reviewing the group covenant (Stage One); then you could try check-in and a forced choice activity (Stage Two); and then try one or more affirming activities. By doing this, you can help the newcomer feel comfortable with the group, and also help the newcomer see how the group members interct with each other.

Please be aware that Stage Four: Stretching is always somewhat unpredictable. With a well-established group, you can move quickly through the first three stages every time a newcomer joins, but you can’t rush this stage. BUT — see additional warnings about stage four in subsections 2 and 3 below.

2. Stage three is often the end point

Let’s be honest: Few youth groups really make it past Stage Three: Affirming. The youth (and adults) may think they’ve gone further, but when you look at whether the group supported individuals to set goals for growth, you will often find that the reality is the group never got there. I think it is perfectly OK to never get past Stage Three: Affirming, because that stage is still pretty wonderful.

In addition, for some groups and some individuals it may not appropriate to attempt to get beyond Stage Three: Affirming. Some of the activities that help move a group into Stage Four: Stretching can reactivate traumas in individuals. For example, a discussion about divorce, or visiting divorce courts, could reactivate trauma in persons who experienced trauma (for whatever reason) before, during, or after a divorce or custody battle.

Ideally, in order to go through Stage Four: Stretching, a professional (trained minister, mental health professional, etc.) should be directly involved as a supervisor or as one of the adults co-leading the activities. See more about supervision in subsection 3 below.

Ideally, parental consent and consent of participants will always be sought before engaging in high risk activities such as visiting a divorce court, going on a service trip, etc. (similar to the way we seek parental consent for Our Whole Lives comprehensive sexuality classes).

Ideally, before going through Stage Five: Deeper Sharing and Goal-setting, adult leaders will participate in mutual support and accountability groups. Mutual support and accountability groups for adults include professional support and accountability groups that many psychotherapists participate in, professional support and accountability groups that some ministers participate in, etc. Or, careful supervision by a qualified supervisor can serve the same purpose (see subsection 3 below for more about supervision of adult leaders).

When a group decides to move beyond stage three, it must be clear to everyone (adults and youth) that this is not a clinical setting. If serious problems arise in any individuals, parents will be notified, and referrals will be made to appropriate professionals. Further, while confidences should be respected, adults can and must report concerns where they fear a youth is going to harm self or others. Adults must also adhere to whatever mandated reporting laws apply. I would strongly recommend that a mandated reporter be on site whenever youth programs are in session (and this is now the law in some states).

3. Appropriate adult leader participation is important

This process works best if adult leaders also participate at an appropriate level, especially at the first three stages. When adults open up, they allow themselves to be perceived by the youth as fully human. When adults allow themselves to be affirmed by the group, overall group trust deepens.

At the same time, adults may not and should not receive emotional and spiritual support from the youth group in the way youth do. These boundaries are especially important for adults to maintain during intensive stretching activities like service trips. Activities like service trips will also stretch adults, but adult advisors must learn to rely on their co-advisors for support. Therefore, adults need to spend time intentionally building community in the adult advising team. Ideally this will be done when youth are not present.

Furthermore, adult leaders must be carefully supervised. Adult youth leaders should report to a supervisor. Ideally, that supervisor will be a paid staffer with experience and training in supervision, and will be a mandated reporter; e.g., a professional director of religious education, minister of religious education, or parish minister. For congregations without such a paid staffer, a volunteer should be found in the congregation who has appropriate training and is a mandated reporter, e.g., a mental health professional, a professional educator, etc. If the supervisor is one of the adult leaders with direct contact with youth, they in turn should be supervised by someone who does not have direct responsibilities in the youth program.

If you don’t have these guardrails in place for your adult leaders, then stick to low-risk activities, and stay at stage one or maybe stage two.

OK, that concludes the warnings.

Have I scared you with these warnings? I hope so!

Remember, getting to Stage Three: Affirming is more than adequate.

Five stages of building community in youth groups

Stage 1: Building Bonds

The first stage in building community in youth groups is to help youth (and their advisors) establish trust in one other. One way to build trust is to present the participants with a problem that they must solve by working together with other participants. As they work together to solve the problem, they will have to learn how to talk with one another, and physically interact with one another, to come up with a solution. Other ways of building bonds: learn each other’s names; set ground rules (a covenant); etc.

Sample activities

Stage 2: Opening Up

In the second stage of building community in youth groups, participants are allowed to talk about themselves, and/or share details about their lives. People of all ages like to talk about themselves, if they they can do so in an environment where they know that what they choose to reveal about themselves will not be disparaged by others. Group leaders can guide groups so that participants listen (or otherwise pay attention) attentively when another participant is talking (or showing art, etc.). By learning to pay attention to others, to listen carefully and openly when others speak, the group members can begin to trust one another.

Sample activities

  • Check-in
  • forced choice exercises
  • personal collages
  • theatre games
  • “If I should die”
  • etc.

Stage 3: Affirming Others

Once participants reach Stage 2: Opening Up, they often feel a need to get to this stage, because once they start revealing who they really are, they need affirmation that who they really are is accepted by others. In this third stage of building community, participants not only listen to one other, they go further and affirm that what another person has said is of value. At this stage, participants know that they can trust the others in the group to accept them for who they are. Participants won’t necessarily be best friends with everyone in the group, but they will feel good about the group as a whole.

Sample activities:

  • eulogies
  • warm fuzzies
  • family affirmation
  • etc.

Stage 4: Stretching

See the section on Warnings above.

After many years of experience using this model of community building, I have come to the conclusion that you cannot force stretching to happen. Be aware that you can do an activity that is designed to get you through Stage 4: Stretching, only to find that trust has not increased in the group.

Take care when planning stretching exercises. Be aware of group members who have mental illness, a history of trauma, or other vulnerabilities. Be aware of margialized groups. Do not use stretching exercises that rely on secrecy, because secrecy tends to erode trust rather than building trust. It is best not to use simulation games and value-testing games as stretching exercises unless you have training or experience in leading such exercises.

In order to keep on growing, we need to be taken out of our comfort zones and confronted with unfamiliar situations where we have to face and overcome obstacles. When we do this as a group, not only do we as individuals grow and mature, but the group as a whole grows and becomes more mature.

A well-planned stretching exercise will include these steps:

  1. The leader(s) start by getting the group’s consent to participate in the proposed activity. Parental consent may also be required.
  2. The leader(s) seek input from the group as they plan the activity; or the group as a whole may plan the activity.
  3. The group carries out the activity together.
  4. After the activity, the group takes the time to process the activity, sharing their thoughts and feelings about what they experienced.

Sample activities

  • open discussion of divorce and its effects on teens
  • visiting divorce court proceedings
  • serving dinner to unhoused people, and interacting with them
  • service trips
  • public speaking, leading a worship service together
  • helping a group member deal with serious illness or other trauma (this cannot be planned)
  • etc.

Stage 5: Deeper Sharing and Goal Setting

See the section on Warnings above.

In Unitarian Universalist circles, this stage is too often reduced to exercises in which you spill your guts about the most intimate details of your life. However, such exercises really belong in Stage Three: Affirming, since that kind of exercise is nothing more than group members accepting each other for who they are.

When you truly get to Stage Five: Deeper Sharing and Goal Setting, you go beyond just talking about who you are, you also commit to growing and becoming a better person. Most people have some aspects of their lives where they would like to improve. In a truly supportive group, we are more likely to be open and honest about our strengths and our failings, and a truly supportive group will help us use our individual strengths to address our failings.

How does this happen? The group has to become a place that is free from ridicule and gossip. The participants have to be able to share openly about areas in their lives where they want to improve. The group can support individuals in reaching their goals by listening to what the individual says, then helping them talk through ways they might grow and change. The group can also support individuals by reminding each other of their highest aspirations. Finally, the group can remind each other that we all need permission and freedom to fail once in a while.

If a group can build this level of trust, youth will bring serious issues and struggles to the group. I have heard youth talk to the group about the struggle of going through their parents’ divorce, being dumped by a sweetheart, being laughed at for not drinking, being cut from the first string of the football team, struggling to be a racial minority, etc. Mind you, it is difficult to get to this point, and more often youth develop close relationships to only a few others in the group where they can share deeply and set goals. But ideally, every youth will be able to share openly to the whole group.